She has held her own with the weaning of her opiates and benzodiazepines, these are the medications meant to sedate her. Yesterday she seemed to have rested comfortably and appeared more alert when she was awake. The risperadol is really keeping her delirium in check. Her eyes still wander a bit but she doesn't have the dead pan gaze she did before and her hyperstartle reflex and gagging seem to have improved. It's nice to see that spunky spirit in behind those pretty blues again.
They have also been weaning her ventilator settings. She has been tolerating it well considering how long she has been ventilated and all she is currently dealing with. Yesterday her left lung was completely collapsed but today it looked better. Not great but better. We're hoping for even more improvement tomorrow. I am not sure if they plan to extubate before her next surgery. I guess it just depends on the date and how she does over the weekend.
Yesterday I fell quickly with flu-like symptoms. I didn't feel comfortable staying in the hospital and risking spreading it to Avelyn or other kiddo's. It's been so hard to be away, probably harder than anything I have done so far for my sweet girl. I am feeling better today and haven't had a fever since the wee hours of the morning. I could not handle the thought or action of going a day with laying eyes on her. I know I shouldn't and I have been fighting myself all day. Finally I gave in and masked up. I gazed upon her from outside her room. She truly is the wonderful. She is so strong. So courageous. So beautiful. Oh how I miss her.
In the last month and a half I have only held her once and Sean hasn't held her at all. It's not only hard on us, it's hard on her. She loved being snuggled, rocked, and bounced. At a month old she would call out just to be rocked. I miss that so much. I miss her. I can't wait to have her back. To be able to scoop up and comfort my baby is my life dream. I can't describe the agony of seeing her cry and not being able to soothe her without drugs. I know I should be grateful with our situation. She's still here and she can and will recover. That's what matters. That's all that truly matters, but sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. Babies aren't meant to go months without being in their parents arms. Babies aren't meant to not remember the feeling of a full belly. Babies aren't meant to experience pain or withdrawals.
It's hard, so very hard. We can't wait to have her home and begin teaching her what being a baby is all about. It'll come, I know that. We just need to have more patience and to keep fighting. We'll get there. And as an FYI, you'll likely continue to read sappy posts until we do.
This momma is tired of seeing her baby in pain and being completely helpless.